Breaking: Finger Lake Region the Target of California Annexation
4/1/2014 (Originally Posted on April Fools Day 2014)
Aaron Spelling, Staff Writer
Fresh on the heels of Russia's annexation of Crimea from the Ukraine, FingerLakes.com has learned that the State of California has launched an aggressive attempt to acquire the Finger Lakes region from the State of New York. The annexation is based on a centuries old legal loophole, and is expected to be complete by Friday of this week, when the region will be renamed "East California".
The plan by California - dubbed "WWE" - was put into motion because of 3 critical areas of concern for the Golden State - Water, Wine and Earthquakes:
Water - In the midst of one of the worst droughts in state history, California desperately needs freshwater. The Finger Lakes region offers tremendous amounts of freshwater to satisfy the needs of both California farmers and the millions of people making so called "entertainment" in the Los Angeles region.
Wine - California has long been seen as the leader in the US Wine Industry, but in recent years has taken real notice of the skyrocketing popularity of Finger Lakes wines, and the number of tourists from places like New York and Boston who are choosing to visit the Finger Lakes instead of Napa. As one source told us "There's only so many people you can convince to fly 5 hours to San Francisco, drive another hour to Napa to spend $350 a night on a hotel in order to get the chance to spend $80 on another fruit bomb wine. The Finger Lakes are closer, have amazing wines, great local foods, incredible scenery, and no attitude"
Earthquakes - Recent seismic activity has the state of California very concerned about how a major earthquake could affect the state's infrastructure. A location in the Finger Lakes - away from major fault lines - would provide a safe space for critical state assets including the 42,000 square foot Kardashian plastic surgery center and the 11 square foot Kanye West Center for Humility.
The Acquisition Plan - Long Forgotten Amendments and Old Fashioned Bribery
A long forgotten clause hidden within the 37th amendment of the U.S. Constitution declares that any state may annex land from another state if 3 conditions are met:
1) The states are contiguous
2) 50.1% of the legislators of the state giving up the land approve the acquisition
3) The state acquiring the land gives each resident of the newly acquired land 3 oxen and a bushel of wheat.
But Have the Conditions Been Met?
A detailed review of land ownership records in 11 states by FingerLakes.com shows that the State of California has quietly purchased a narrow corridor of land - 2572 miles long, and sometimes just 30 feet wide - that runs from Northern California to Watkins Glen. The land acquisition began nearly 3 years ago and was stealthily done under the cover of a shell company called "Cyberdyne Systems".
With regards to the vote of 50.1% of the legislators in New York to approve the deal - a source in Sacremento tells us "Bribing half of the New York State Senators to vote for this thing took us 27 minutes. Have you been watching the news? Every single downstate Senator is for sale."
Land Purchased to Create "California Corridor"
Yet surprisingly, getting the Oxen has been the biggest challenge for California. As of Monday, Amazon.com showed an inventory of just 163,000 Oxen - far fewer than the 200,000+ that will be required to meet the third and final condition. "Luckily, Canada has a huge Oxen surplus this year" says a source close to California Governor Jerry Brown "And New Jersey Governor Chris Christie gave us some great tips on how to get the bridge from Canada to Buffalo shut down to get them across. We expect that 40,000 Oxen will be migrating down the New York State Thruway by Thursday."
Governor Cuomo Quiet, Finger Lakes Residents Furious
As word spread on Monday about the near-certain annexation, Governor Cuomo's office had no official comment. However, sources in the Governors mansion in Albany tell FingerLakes.com that "this thing is a done deal and there is nothing we can do now. Cuomo blew it - and now his White House hopes are done." In Geneva, Watkins Glen and Auburn hundreds of protesters hit the streets, some smashing bottles of California wine and their collections of Arnold Schwarzenegger VHS tapes. In Ithaca however, the reaction was mixed - a local artist named J. Stoner said "Higher taxes, more regulations and better weed? Sounds good to me man.".
Protesters in Geneva
Changes Already Underway
Residents and businesses alike are already preparing for the new reality of living in California. Wineries have begun changing their labels, signs across the region are being updated and elected officials are packing their bags as politicians loyal to California are installed. Additionally, more than 75 New York State Troopers are expected to be laid off and replaced with members of the California Highway Patrol, led by officer Frank Poncherello.
New Law Enforcement
Stay tuned to FingerLakes.com for more information as it develops.