Breaking News: John Travolta Set to Buy Keuka Lake
Vincent Vega, Staff Writer
Penn Yan, NY - For over a year the rumor around Keuka Lake has been that John Travolta was thinking about buying a gorgeous $2.5M lakefront property that has been for sale for quite some time. Well, according to our well placed sources - he isn't buying on Keuka Lake - he is buying Keuka Lake. You read that right - buying the entire lake.
How Could This Happen?
From the story we've been told, Travolta's lawyers have been working for some time to help the Farilpolos - a small, obscure group of Native Americans, to receive federally recognized status. That vote is just days away, and is evidently "a 100% done deal". Once the federal status is recognized, the group will have land rights to their PHR - primary historical range. This range consists almost entirely of Keuka Lake, save a small slice of land on the eastern shore facing the bluff.
Once the group claims their PHR (a process that will take under a year, thanks to some hanky panky with a former central NY Congressman) Travolta will immediately pay the group $172 million for a 99 year lease (the group cannot legally sell the land). The deal will give Travolta rights to all land and water within a 1 mile radius of the shore. Our source in Travolta's camp says that the lawyers are leaning towards allowing residents and land owners to continue with "full and unobstructed" use of the lake, their land and their homes year round, with the exception of June, July and August.
What is fascinating about this story is that the rumors had started to swirl a year ago, but the rumor quickly shifted from a new tribe being recognized and Travolta being involved to "Travolta wants to buy a big house". With the new (and more palatable) rumor in place, the true negotiations could continue unabated. Which leads us to that small slice of land on the eastern shore that is exempt from the sale / leaseback. The piece of land that is owned by Seth Olney, proprietor of the Olney Place Deli and market. The same person who was quoted last year in stories about the potential house purchase. "I don't know what you are talking about" Olney said to us about the exemption while unpacking boxes of Welcome Back Kotter DVD's onto the shelves of his store.
What About the Wine Industry?
As a result of the coming changes, many are concerned with what will happen to the wineries on the lake. We've been told the wineries will be consolidated - with all fruit being combined into a single annual vintage that will be distributed nationally under the name Vino Barbarino.
Also of Note:
- The movie star will launch the Hammondsport International Film festival, to rival the Sundance Festival.
- An avid pilot, Travolta has purchased Howard Hughes' "Spruce Goose" and will fly it from its current location in Oregon to Keuka Lake once the deal is finalized. The initial flight will also carry 147,000 copies of the Travolta film "Battlefield Earth" to be distributed as a good will gesture to local residents.
- Two giant movie screens will be erected on either side of the bluff, and will show Travolta favorites Monday-Thursday. Residents will be asked to pay $3 if they look towards the bluff during show times.
- Impressed with what appears to be certain success for Travolta's lawyers, Oprah Winfrey is investigating acquisition of Lake Ontario using similar methods.
*** note: While we thought we gave enough clues, we want to clarify that this article was an April Fool's Joke. We apologize to those of you who sent us angry emails :) ***